学生习作：
On the thesis, one may have doubt since not all the memories are sweet. But I insist that even the bad ones can offer help. For instance, during my winter vacation in Junior, I lost a cell phone that I had used for more than two years. That was the day before the Spring Festival, the most important festival for reunion in China. I was in a good mood at that time because I was going to shoot some photos with my aunt. There were many people in the store. 3I felt a little crowded. It was the time when we were choosing the frames that my cell phone was stolen. Too late did I realize the unfortunate fact. （营造记忆）
Afterwards, whenever I was in public, I paid extra attention to my personal possession such as my purse and mp4. Therefore, I havent lost any other things till now. I learned to be extremely careful from the horrible memory. （营造收获）
分析：
1 during强调延续性，in强调一段时间里发生了一件事。所以此处应该改成in.
2 文章采取倒叙手法，所以在2处感觉有一点奇怪，刚刚还是东西被盗，后来心情又好了。
3 不能是你觉得挤，只能是that place was a little crowded
4 文章的深刻度不够，处于4-5分的水平，要拿更好的分数，还得在深刻性上下功夫。个人例子特别适合以情动人。
